Send Me

I found a new song. Funnily enough, a friend of mine was listening to it at the same time I was. We were traveling in different parts of town in our separate cars and she emailed the lyrics to me the next day without even realizing I had heard it too. It's so awesome how God places the right people in your life when you are walking through your personal journey. The song is from the group Downhere called, "Here I Am." It is a song of surrender, but also a song of trust. I love the middle of the song:

"Here I am, Lord send me
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me
Somehow my story is a part of Your plan,
Here I am

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands
Are You not the closest when it's hardest to stand
I know that You will finish what You began
And these broken parts You will redeem
Become the song that I can sing."

What truth is in that! All of our broken parts will be redeemed by our great Victor! Somehow, each and every story from each and every person will be used as a part of His plan if we will surrender ourselves to HIM alone. Here I am Lord, send me. Do with me what you will. Let my story glorify Him in the telling.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Trading My Sorrows

The other day I was watching The Mating Game. It's an old movie about a family being investigated for tax evasion. They have never earned more than a couple hundred dollars because they always traded; 2 cows for a pile of manure, manure for a manure spreader, the manure spreader for a fridge, a fridge for an electric organ which they donated to the church. It got me thinking about other things (whether good or bad) that we trade in our lifetime. Take for instance my 6th grade year when a classmate called me fat. Now granted, I was a size 1 to her size 00, but in no way was I fat. However, instead of holding to the truth, I chose to trade a piece of my self-confidence for a lie. When I was 16 years old, I met a boy who seemed to fulfill my girlish dreams. He brought me roses and bought me jewelry. In the beginning everything seemed perfect. Then the trading began. A little time away from family traded to have more time with him. A little self-confidence traded each time he joked at my expense. A spiritual mis-step each time he criticized my faith. They seemed like such insignificant things. No big deal. But to Satan, it was another dig, another jab and another step closer to binding me. I had been dating this guy for two years when the time came to move away to college. Of course, we couldn't separate. He moved with me. Once we were 12 hours away from home the grip tightened. If I wanted to keep him in my life the trade-off was only having the friends he chose for me to have. His jealously increased and another trade was made; constant communication to make sure I was where I should be. Then came even bigger trades. Trading my purity to prove my loyalty. Molding myself into what he wanted. I traded my song for silence. I am a singer. Music is my passion and yet the bondage was so strong I literally quit singing because he told me to.
Why didn't I escape? It didn't cross my mind. At that point I was totally dependent on him and only a shell of the person I used to be. All from trading that added up to incredible worth, incredible debt. I then traded misery for numbness in the form of alcohol. One drink was all I'd need. Just enough to dull the pain of the hateful comments that came directly from him and then reverberated in my brain cementing lies into "truths." One drink became 2, then 3, then 6, then 10, then however many it took to pass out.No one really knew, I thought I was all alone. When I really stopped to think I wanted to believe that God had given up on me just like I had.
Then after 4 years the relationship was gone. Unfortunately, I had traded so much and ended up with pain, regret, hurt, and a dependency on a substance instead of a Savior. I began to go back to church. I attended an incredible church (http://www.lifechurch.tv/) and found myself craving the presence of God. Yet, for some reason I still craved alcohol. I didn't end up on the street. In fact, ended up graduating from college with a 3.75 GPA and a thirst. I was driven but I dealt with stress through alcohol. When I drank I didn't have to be me. I could pretend to be someone else, someone whole, someone without pain. When I look back I am truly amazed to have lived when I could have died. All the times I was trading my dignity for alcohol, God was there. Holding out His hand, saying, "grasp this hand, drink living water and never thirst again." God continued to pursue me as a man pursues his true love. Finally, on January 1, 2008, I heard and truly grasped on and prayed for strength to get out of the deep end. I promised God one year without alcohol. Cold turkey, no going back. One step at a time. Sometimes the darkness seemed overwhelming, the desire too great, but through HIS strength I can do all things. On January 1, 2009 I celebrated one year without a drink of alcohol.
At the one year point I committed to a second year. I'm trading up now. As the song says, "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord."
What have you been trading? Cash it in for abundant riches through Jesus Christ! Being free from alcohol addiction doesn't come easily, but trusting God makes each step worth it. No pit is too deep, no pain too severe that God cannot reach you there.
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire." Psalm 40:2
He lifted me, therefore I choose daily to follow Him and not my own desires. I made a choice. I chose to have life, and through Christ we are all promised to have life and have it abundantly.

Why I'm Writing

Well, this is my first post on my blog. Let me introduce myself. I am Emily. I teach history in a middle school in Colorado and I'm 27 years old. I am a Christian. I came to know Christ as my Savior when I was a young girl, but life has brought many surprises and detours since then. Although at times I felt very far from God, I have since learned how close He always was to me and how He will direct my path. 2008 was a momentous year, but they weren't all high moments. I felt God leading me to face my fears and learn to live. I began seeing a counselor a year ago. I also made a commitment to stop drinking alcohol. Of course, there were reasons for these decisions and I will tell you those along the way, but they were the first two steps in an incredible journey. God has been so faithful in this past year. He placed the right people in my life to help me through some very difficult spots. This year I was also diagnosed with significant clinical depression. Through the encouragement of my doctor, counselor, and family I was able to make the best decision for myself and begin taking anti-depressants. Since then, I have begun feeling like myself again and sometimes, I even feel like a better version of myself than before. That isn't all due to the medication. Too long I allowed myself to live in the bondage of lies. Bondage from my past, bondage from alcohol, bondage of past abuse. As I'm learning, God desires none of that for me. His desires are perfect and all driven in love. I have the tools to fight the lies now. God has done an amazing work in my life. He has brought light back into my life and a new peace into my soul. God is much stronger than I will ever be. I'm learning to walk with my Savior. I am telling my story and inviting others to walk along because I want HIM to receive all the glory for the great things He has done in my life. I chose Psalm 40:1 - 3 as the guiding verse for this blog because God has placed a new song in my heart. It is my prayer as people encounter this blog they will also encounter God and a new way of seeing His goodness and love in their lives. God Bless!