Just a few thoughts...

I know it has been a month since my last post. I'm praying about my next post and have not yet been able to put my thoughts into a sensible format for others to read. So, in lue of a longer post here are some of my "random" thoughts:

1. I'm thinking about changing my hair. I'm not sure how drastic, but I'm thinking shorter, maybe going back to straight hair and some highlights.
2. I just got the invitation for my 10 year high school reunion. Wow...10 years. How time flies, whether it's fun or not. :-)
3. Easter is upon us. Spend some time reflecting on what Christ did for us when He sacrificed His life so that we might have life and have it abundantly.
4. My cousin and his wife just had baby #3 - Matthew James.
5. My other cousins and their wives have kids that are just growing up too fast and I don't get to see them nearly as often as I would like.
6. I'm experimenting in the kitchen and trying out new recipes. So far I'm 3 for 3.
7. I finally have my apartment completely decorated and only one box left to unpack...it's that "junk" box that we all have.
8. My students are retaining some of the knowledge I am trying to give them. We've had some good discussions lately.
9. I have now reached the age where 9pm is the perfect bedtime and 10pm is too late.
10. I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for!

I know that this may mean nothing to you, but it's just a little update on my life and thoughts that aren't on the deep side.

God bless!

To My Brother

I am writing this entry in honor of Jason, my brother. Jason is my little brother, although I use the term "little" very loosely as he is taller and stronger than I am. Jason leaves tomorrow to finish his tour of duty in Iraq. Jason is a part of the 82nd Airborne division of the United States Army. He is stationed at an SUJ and does different missions each day.

People ask me how I feel about war now that my brother is in Iraq. My feelings have never changed. I don't think anyone likes war. Why would you? However, I support the troops and more than anything I support my brother and the decision he made to join the Army. Jason is not your typical 22 year-old. Jason is mature and smart and driven. He made the choice to join the Army after much prayer and consideration and he has done an excellent job.

Jason is so much fun to be around. He has a great sense of humor and gives awesome hugs. He always knows when I need a hug. The difficult part about Jason being in the Army is not that he is in Iraq. The most difficult part for me is that he is absent. I can honestly say that Jason is one of my closest friends and without him, there is just something missing. Mom and dad's house just seems a little too quiet at times on Sundays and funny movies are missing something when I don't have Jason to laugh alongside.

However, Jason being gone has helped me change for the better. For the past few years I have used Jason as my wall to hide behind. He has been my safety net. If I ever needed someone to go along with me to an event, he was there. I didn't need to step out of my box or out of my comfort zone because he was always there for me to stand beside or hide behind. When Jason left I found myself a little lost. It took some time before I began to feel empowered as my own person and felt like I could stand on my own. I know...a 27 year-old hiding behind her 22 year-old brother sounds a little lame. Fortunately, Jason has always encouraged me. He encouraged me to step out and enjoy life more and more. He is out of the country working his tail off and I am going to live each day to the fullest knowing that he wants me to be happy and strong.

So, thank you Jason. Thank you for your strength, encouragement, humor, love, life and hugs. Continue striving to keep the Lord first in your life. Make Him the center and know that He is in control. Know that you are in my prayers and my love for you is never-ending. Keep doing your job and follow your heart. Live a life filled with passion and commitment. I'll be awaiting your return. I love you.

New Shoes

New shoes. New shoes make me happy. Now, I'm not a shopaholic. I actually don't like shopping. However, I like new shoes. The shine. The way they sit on display just begging to be worn. "Try me, I'd add a little drama to a drab outfit," say the 4-inch stilettos. "How about me?" say the black ballet flats, "I'm a classic." The boots, the pumps, the pointy toes, the heels with strappy ankles. New shoes. I may only buy one pair every six months or so, but I love the way they look. The heel hasn't been worn down, the label inside is clean and perfect, no blemishes, just waiting to mold to my feet. Good shoes do that you know. Quality shoes mold to your feet as you wear them. You don't have to massage your feet every time you sit down.

I recently bought a new pair of shoes. They are red, peep toes with a 3-inch stiletto heel. Classic look with just a touch of pizazz. I started thinking how I felt trying on new shoes. They need to be a perfect fit. They can't rub wrong and if they're heels, they need to accentuate my calves just so. This got me thinking about God. When I put on new shoes or clothes recently purchased I feel refreshed, clean, new. Sometimes you even replace old items with the new. This led to my thoughts on 2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 4:22 - 24, and Ezekiel 36:26 - 27.

2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore, it anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Ephesians 4:22 - 24
" You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

Ezekiel 36:26 - 27
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws."

They all speak about being new. I made some big mistakes in my life. I've had the "blisters" to prove it. I have lived before with a "heart of stone." I was in a relationship in which I thought it was okay for him to treat me poorly, to put me down in front of his friends, to make me resent my parents' caring. He was a bad pair of shoes. However, instead of getting rid of him, I bought band-aids for the blisters. Cover them up. Hide the damage. Limp on. In your mind you think, "I made this purchase and now I'm stuck with it." NO YOU ARE NOT!!! God makes all things new! God's Spirit moves inside you, urges you to find better, trust Him, put off your old self, renew the attitude of your mind.

You, my dear friend, are created to be like God. God will bandage the blisters, but not so you can shove your feet back into the same old shoes, but in order for you to step proudly into that new pair. You are a new creation. I am a new creation. Wearing white on my wedding day? You bet I am! Because I am a new creation. The old has gone.

Maybe you are still stuck in the old. Maybe your blisters are fresh. Maybe they are just beginning. Perhaps they are already calloused. No matter where you are, God is there too. Loving, caring, crafting a perfect pair of shoes for you so that you may walk in His will and not that of your own or someone else's choosing. I'm not going to lie. There is cost involved, but they joy far outweighs the cost. Trust your path to His craftsmanship. Allow your feet of clay to be molded in His image. Smell the new leather, give yourself the OK and put on the new shoes. Stand tall, walk with strength, run and do not grow weary, traverse the path with Him.

Shoes grow old, go out of style, or simply get worn out. God never does. God will never give out on you. When you become a new creation you, like new shoes, become a magnet. People want to know what makes you special above the rest. You can proudly tell your story and how God can make anyone a new creation. NEVER settle for less than God's best. Satan is a deceiver, but God can shine His Truth into your life. He did it for me. He brought me out of bondage. He healed my blisters and made me a new creation.

On the Move

Moving. Change. Two words that a year ago would have set fear in my heart and trembling in my knees. Yet, through the grace of God both of those words have a different light for me today. As it says in Romans 12:12, "Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful."

"Be glad for all God is planning for you." That is a tall order when you have no idea what His plans will entail. So you ask, "God, what are you planning for me?" He may respond, or He may respond with one word, "trust." I am learning a new way to trust. When someone has been dealt some of the cards of life that build mistrust, it can be difficult to trust again. I trust my close friends. I trust my family. I trust my coworkers. But I'm still learning to trust myself. To trust that decisions I make are following God's plan and not just my own. If you have ever made poor decisions that you know were directly out of God's plan, it may take some time to trust yourself again. Trust your competence. Trust your abilities. MOVE with God and trust in Him.

I'm moving. Literally and figuratively. I am moving this month just a few miles north of where I live now, but a move is a move. It involves cost, time, and some backaches. The same is true when we move in our spiritual lives. There is cost and time involved and when we don't move the way we know we should, there are backaches.

I am moving into a one-bedroom apartment. I will be living alone for the first time. I am quite excited. I am decorating and hanging art and painting and making the space truly my own. That is what God has been doing in my heart too. My heart should be like my one-bedroom apartment for God. Although you can have visitors, it is perfectly suited for one. The One. The I AM. He desires to decorate my spirit with His love and colors that only He can make visible to me. Once those things are visible to me they then become visible to others as God shines His handiwork through my life and actions. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "It is not you but your radiance." How true that is. However, I have tweaked it some for a better purpose, "It is not you but HIS radiance."

How is God moving in your life right now? Are you in a time of transition? Do you feel unsettled? Be still my friend. God is planning great things for you. "Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful." (Romans 12:12b) God is moving all around and He desires to have a great part of your life. Don't settle for blank walls and bleak surroundings when God can paint your life full of His colors and grace.

Being on the move can be a wonderful experience.

Send Me

I found a new song. Funnily enough, a friend of mine was listening to it at the same time I was. We were traveling in different parts of town in our separate cars and she emailed the lyrics to me the next day without even realizing I had heard it too. It's so awesome how God places the right people in your life when you are walking through your personal journey. The song is from the group Downhere called, "Here I Am." It is a song of surrender, but also a song of trust. I love the middle of the song:

"Here I am, Lord send me
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me
Somehow my story is a part of Your plan,
Here I am

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands
Are You not the closest when it's hardest to stand
I know that You will finish what You began
And these broken parts You will redeem
Become the song that I can sing."

What truth is in that! All of our broken parts will be redeemed by our great Victor! Somehow, each and every story from each and every person will be used as a part of His plan if we will surrender ourselves to HIM alone. Here I am Lord, send me. Do with me what you will. Let my story glorify Him in the telling.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Trading My Sorrows

The other day I was watching The Mating Game. It's an old movie about a family being investigated for tax evasion. They have never earned more than a couple hundred dollars because they always traded; 2 cows for a pile of manure, manure for a manure spreader, the manure spreader for a fridge, a fridge for an electric organ which they donated to the church. It got me thinking about other things (whether good or bad) that we trade in our lifetime. Take for instance my 6th grade year when a classmate called me fat. Now granted, I was a size 1 to her size 00, but in no way was I fat. However, instead of holding to the truth, I chose to trade a piece of my self-confidence for a lie. When I was 16 years old, I met a boy who seemed to fulfill my girlish dreams. He brought me roses and bought me jewelry. In the beginning everything seemed perfect. Then the trading began. A little time away from family traded to have more time with him. A little self-confidence traded each time he joked at my expense. A spiritual mis-step each time he criticized my faith. They seemed like such insignificant things. No big deal. But to Satan, it was another dig, another jab and another step closer to binding me. I had been dating this guy for two years when the time came to move away to college. Of course, we couldn't separate. He moved with me. Once we were 12 hours away from home the grip tightened. If I wanted to keep him in my life the trade-off was only having the friends he chose for me to have. His jealously increased and another trade was made; constant communication to make sure I was where I should be. Then came even bigger trades. Trading my purity to prove my loyalty. Molding myself into what he wanted. I traded my song for silence. I am a singer. Music is my passion and yet the bondage was so strong I literally quit singing because he told me to.
Why didn't I escape? It didn't cross my mind. At that point I was totally dependent on him and only a shell of the person I used to be. All from trading that added up to incredible worth, incredible debt. I then traded misery for numbness in the form of alcohol. One drink was all I'd need. Just enough to dull the pain of the hateful comments that came directly from him and then reverberated in my brain cementing lies into "truths." One drink became 2, then 3, then 6, then 10, then however many it took to pass out.No one really knew, I thought I was all alone. When I really stopped to think I wanted to believe that God had given up on me just like I had.
Then after 4 years the relationship was gone. Unfortunately, I had traded so much and ended up with pain, regret, hurt, and a dependency on a substance instead of a Savior. I began to go back to church. I attended an incredible church (http://www.lifechurch.tv/) and found myself craving the presence of God. Yet, for some reason I still craved alcohol. I didn't end up on the street. In fact, ended up graduating from college with a 3.75 GPA and a thirst. I was driven but I dealt with stress through alcohol. When I drank I didn't have to be me. I could pretend to be someone else, someone whole, someone without pain. When I look back I am truly amazed to have lived when I could have died. All the times I was trading my dignity for alcohol, God was there. Holding out His hand, saying, "grasp this hand, drink living water and never thirst again." God continued to pursue me as a man pursues his true love. Finally, on January 1, 2008, I heard and truly grasped on and prayed for strength to get out of the deep end. I promised God one year without alcohol. Cold turkey, no going back. One step at a time. Sometimes the darkness seemed overwhelming, the desire too great, but through HIS strength I can do all things. On January 1, 2009 I celebrated one year without a drink of alcohol.
At the one year point I committed to a second year. I'm trading up now. As the song says, "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord."
What have you been trading? Cash it in for abundant riches through Jesus Christ! Being free from alcohol addiction doesn't come easily, but trusting God makes each step worth it. No pit is too deep, no pain too severe that God cannot reach you there.
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire." Psalm 40:2
He lifted me, therefore I choose daily to follow Him and not my own desires. I made a choice. I chose to have life, and through Christ we are all promised to have life and have it abundantly.

Why I'm Writing

Well, this is my first post on my blog. Let me introduce myself. I am Emily. I teach history in a middle school in Colorado and I'm 27 years old. I am a Christian. I came to know Christ as my Savior when I was a young girl, but life has brought many surprises and detours since then. Although at times I felt very far from God, I have since learned how close He always was to me and how He will direct my path. 2008 was a momentous year, but they weren't all high moments. I felt God leading me to face my fears and learn to live. I began seeing a counselor a year ago. I also made a commitment to stop drinking alcohol. Of course, there were reasons for these decisions and I will tell you those along the way, but they were the first two steps in an incredible journey. God has been so faithful in this past year. He placed the right people in my life to help me through some very difficult spots. This year I was also diagnosed with significant clinical depression. Through the encouragement of my doctor, counselor, and family I was able to make the best decision for myself and begin taking anti-depressants. Since then, I have begun feeling like myself again and sometimes, I even feel like a better version of myself than before. That isn't all due to the medication. Too long I allowed myself to live in the bondage of lies. Bondage from my past, bondage from alcohol, bondage of past abuse. As I'm learning, God desires none of that for me. His desires are perfect and all driven in love. I have the tools to fight the lies now. God has done an amazing work in my life. He has brought light back into my life and a new peace into my soul. God is much stronger than I will ever be. I'm learning to walk with my Savior. I am telling my story and inviting others to walk along because I want HIM to receive all the glory for the great things He has done in my life. I chose Psalm 40:1 - 3 as the guiding verse for this blog because God has placed a new song in my heart. It is my prayer as people encounter this blog they will also encounter God and a new way of seeing His goodness and love in their lives. God Bless!